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Dreams

I had a dream this morning. David and I were at a restaurant that looked more like a post office to me. Anyway, he proposed to me and I said yes, naturally. Mrs. Shirley was there and pointed out a large cockroach on a statue near our table. I was grossed out and I think we left. We were at  home and Janice's daughter, Christy, was there while I made a gift for Janice. She said something about how her last name was no longer Luna but Morris or something. What I found disturbing most about this dream is that although David proposed I found him sweet-talking some chick on facebook talking about how I was just a boring fat ass and he really only asked me to marry him for the sake of Blade. He told her that he didn't really want to be engaged to me since I was  such a pain to be seen with in public. He told that chick that he wanted to sleep with her because she was skinny and pretty and smarter. It was like he had kept making excuses to not propose to me until there were no more and had to do it. I hated him and myself for it.

I know  it was a dream but when its a dream about your  worst fears in a relationship, it shakes you up. I know I'm going to get yelled at about this at some point when David reads it but I can't help what I dream. I also can't help to feel so unwanted when I have those dreams. I guess its just that I want him to be open with me like I am with him but he thinks its some invasion of privacy. I had my privacy violated millions of times by my family but it made me want to give someone special to me all my secrets instead of holding them up inside. I don't know how to deal with these feelings sometimes and when I want to talk about them and get comforted about them. It turns into "me being stupid." I think thats why I had the dream because its my brains way of dealing with it without talking about it. Anyway, I love David with all my heart and soul. I hope when he reads this he won't get pissy with me for just talking myself through something...I love him so much. I can see my home in his eyes when he is being sweet and loving. He makes me laugh, and yes sometimes cry but thats how love is....It will always be a joyous and sometimes paining experience. It has to be a balance to things. Anyway, I'm tired and rambling....

M.D.

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